The few false hopes

I usually sit accompanied with silence, thinking about the moments that I generally don’t want to think of.

Though I have made peace with the pain and have allowed the stings of pain to pierce my senses whenever they wish to, but sometimes I feel suffocated with this pain and your everlasting existence in my thoughts. The situation is knotted with millions of invisible threads. The threads i am very familiar with and the knots that your absence tied.

Though the pain has gone denser, deep in my heart and it doesn’t reflect in my eyes now but I can feel its presence, deep down in my heart, piercing my each nerve until they bleed to wash away my strength to survive without you. The thing that we two shared and we named it “love” has melted with the wetness of my eyes and dampness caused by the blood-loss that my feelings experienced every new second.

It has been a long time since all this happened, you and I parted our ways, things are back to normal and we are now a forgotten ‘case’, buried in the ashes of time. You have headed your ways, leaving everything behind that had something to do with the bond between ‘you and me’. And you know what, it is too late for me to complaint for all this, as I said, our ‘case’ has been closed, buried and forgotten.

So why am I writing this if there are no issues so far. If I act naturally and be honest than the answer would be, May be I still miss you. May be my emotions that are buried under the ruins of time are still alive, feel suffocated and yearn to breathe. May be the heartbeats that had lost their meaning in your absence are still not convinced with the verdict of time and may be the false hopes that one day you will need me like I do, are bigger than the reality I am aware of that you have left everything which connected you with me, behind.

The few false hopes that are keeping me alive. May be thinking of you is the only way to survive, I am left with.

Beautiful stupidities

Remember you and I wandered around the streets of the city like crazy people, just to hunt a guitar for you. Gosh! You were so excited and over enthusiastic about your newly learnt lesson that whatever you wish to do, just do it. No wait, no need to hesitate and that really made you energetic enough to get out on the streets in the burning afternoon of May. And I had to come with you, no other option was left as we were friends and the basic rule of friendship emphasizes on the act of equally participating in the stupidities that the other chum does.

My legs had almost resigned and then finally we found one music instruments’ store. Hell! It was antique and unique enough to catch my eyeballs, I loved the interior and you indeed loved the each and every guitar placed there, gosh! You had a disorder of being a rock-star those days and I was the only fan you had, eham eham! Forced fan I would say.

“Ohk that one, naah something is missing, this one is cool, I hate the color, I need combo of this colour and that design and blah blah blah…” you kept saying things and I kept staring on the multi coloured walls and some beautiful instrument pieces. Finally you selected one. We contributed the coins that we collected for years in hostel days and there u were holding the guitar in hand exactly as a warrior does after winning the battle and I was there with you to share the celebration.

We celebrated until we reached home and you didn’t sleep that night, neither could I because a crazy little devil was banging the strings of guitar in awful manner and it sounded like a torture, but for you it was fun, the hidden guitarist inside you had its all senses stirred up and you were indeed geared up to continue that head-hammering live concert for whole night. I knew I wouldn’t be able to get that fever of being rock star out of your head so I joined in and we kept hitting the strings until our stomach started hurting with excessive laughter.

Ahww those were the days, you and I had time to implement our silly thoughts in our real life and turning dreams into reality meant life for us. Sometimes I notice that guitar of my rock-star friend, kept in one corner of the room; a layer of dust has made itself permanent there, you don’t bother even touching it and I notice it every time but I don’t bother bothering about your this doing.

I notice that you are not fine so do you, because whenever my heart says, “she’s not well”, the voices inside my head interrupt, “so am I”.  Things are complicated, so I prefer to keep quite. Things got changed because we let them. We changed our priorities, we broke the unsaid promises. We parted our ways, because we somewhere had no time to think about cherishing the days we spent together, golden days I would say.

We still talk, sit together, discuss issues, but what we have stopped doing is the bunch of stupidities, that made us feel like the free flying happy birds. Don’t know what is wrong; guess this is how it goes! But really miss the stupidities that we compromised for no reason!

On your birthday

Dear Kid,

Since the day you were born, I have experienced a slice of my existence growing in you. When I look at you, growing everyday, moving ahead in your life, unfolding each day with happiness and accepting each thing coming through with faith as a gift of Lord. In you, I see a beautiful woman that I ever dreamt to be. In you I see a spark to accomplish my dreams that I have carried half of the way and rest of them I have left for you, as a responsibility. I know I can keep writing millions of pages on your birthday to tell you what you are for me, but I have a better line to say.

“You are the one who will carry me across the generation by carrying my teaching and feelings in your existence. You will complete me and make me alive in this world, even when I will not be here. I love you my daughter. I am proud to be your MOTHER”

Love

Mom.

My princess,

You are the most precious thing I have ever achieved. You are the only dream of my eyes, which I nurture every time. I know you will fly in the skies of success and on your birthday, I want to tell you that whether you become a successful person in your profession or not (oh1 I know baby you definitely will), but you will be a successful daughter ever, and you are a sweetheart. You are the dream of my eyes that makes me smile and on the day you were born, I received the most beautiful gift ever and on your each birthday, I realize that this beautiful gift is forever mine.

“Love you my beautiful and shining dream.”

Hugs

Dad

My doll,

Do you know why I call you a doll, because the day you were born, I got a doll, which had beautiful curly hair and shiney black eyes and an everlasting battery that made you walk, talk, smile, blink those beautiful starry eyeballs. You were my favorite toy to play with and I hugged the whole world by hugging you. You have always been the one who were sent on the earth to tie a beautiful knot on my hand on the day of “Rakhi” and make me realize that I am not alone on that day. For me you are a beautiful doll, my little sis, who cares for me, joins hands and does prayers for me, you are the one who has made me realize that I am big and responsible.

“Love you my little doll, my all wishes are for you, forever, my little pride”

Love

Bro

On my birthday, I wanna thank God for blessing me with Mom, Dad and Bro. there could never have been any beautiful gift than this. Dear God thanks for blessing me with such a wonderful gift.

Love Mother, Father and Brother.

Piyu

I wish you to be here

Awhh this soothing breeze and moonlight melting from the sky

This creates perfect aura to make love or to miss someone and cry

I wish to capture the stars in my eyeballs, the way they appear

The sweetened night is passing by slowly; baby I wish you to be here

I am lying down on the edge of the mysteriously calm seashore

Remember the way I would surrender to you and you would adore?

The eyes have started shedding the salty rain, come wipe the tiny tear

Ouch the tiny drop has reached till my lips, baby I wish you to be here

My eyeballs hold an impression of u exactly as ocean holds of moon

The heartbeats have gone crazy now, I can hardly wait, come soon

I am all afraid of lonesomeness, come hold me and vanish my fear

Just to show you the moon behind my eyelashes, baby I wish you to be here

Taking a deep breath and engraving these verses on my heartland is all I do

The night is calm and I wanna scream out loud, “baby I can’t live without you”

Hold me when I scream, seal my lips and whisper your love smoothly in my ear

I wanna melt down in your arms like the moonlight, baby I wish you to be here

My eyes, a “piece of Gadget”

I have been trying writing for this contest since the moment it was introduced, I love writing but I rarely participate in contests and all. But this time I have the urge of participation to its highest extent as my mother wanted me to do so. Though she is not much aware about blogging and stuff but she is aware of the fact the she has full faith in her daughter and the gift of Lord which her kid possesses.

I tried hard to write on the topic “How my gadgets reflect my personality”, but ended up drawing a few aimless and funny sketches on the pages of my diary because I really didn’t have anything to write and the reason behind this was, ‘I never possessed gadgets as such’.

I have been through various gadgets though; a laptop of my roomie, Camera of my brother’s best friend, ipod of my US returned cousin, iphone of my lofty classmate and blah blah blah. I never had and I still don’t have any gadget as an owner, except my Nokia C3 mobile phone, which is indeed more than a gadget as it is a gift. There have been reasons for not being a gadget freak but there has always been a desire of buying a few for me one day.

So, trying hard to write down something fake to win prize and see my mother smiling was the only possible way but I am too bad at this, so I somehow made my heart understand the issue and requested it to make my mother understand the same and I gave up.

But today morning, mother called up and said, “Piyu, kid! It’s the last day of your contest, did you submit your entry”.

I was half asleep, but I could make out the level of faith and curiosity from her voice, I tenderly said, “will do it today maa.”

So here I am, without any experience with gadgets, but yeah I can give it a try in a different way.

If I were a Machine...oh I wish I really were.

It’s all a work of imagination though, but sometimes I wonder if I were a Machine. I would have been a full package of various Gadgets. My mind would have been the “Master CPU” containing all the memory, controlling the whole system and operating it all.

Considering me as a machine makes my each body part a Gadget, but the Gadget which reflects my personality is “A beautiful pair of eyes”. My eyes are the high quality, lets say HD quality cameras offering me audio as well as video feature. They capture each moment passing by and send them to the smart “Master CPU” and the mastermind decides which one to keep, which one to discard and which one to treasure for forever.

My eyes are the ‘piece of Gadget’ that speaks, blinks, works automatically and pours a strange liquid when any problem takes place.

That’s not all, my eyes posses a home screen as well, no power backup required, just need to put down the outer veil of eyelashes and I can watch any pre-recorded, creation of my mind, the places where I have been or may be the landscapes that I have never ever seen.

I thank God for gifting me with such a wonderful Gadget for lifetime & above all, free of cost.

Whenever I meet new people they say, “Your eyes speak a lot, they are very expressive and they reflect your entire personality.”

So that’s how I can rate my eyes as a “piece of Gadget” that reflect my personality.

This post has been written for:

Dell inspiration contest- Change is Easy

Sometimes it’s okay to let Go…

There is a box of pain and bad memories in heart; every smile ends up with tears because happiness and pain go hand in hand. The ones who were close to our heart are strangers today, things are not the same. Someone else has taken our place in our special one’s heart. Sounds unfair, hard to accept, seems unreasonable, pinching but sometimes it’s okay to let go.

Every new moment, every coming moment in life is enveloped mysteriously; don’t know what will come out when life will unfold it. People meet, walk together, get separated, go on different ways, their memories hit our mind, we miss them and eyes shed million of tears in their memory, it seems impossible to breathe without them, but sometimes it’s okay to let go.

There comes few turns where life means nothing, emptiness takes it all over, the ones for whom you fought with the whole world their behavior changes with a blink of an eye, they leave you in the middle of journey and walk away, without even looking back for once, they never come back and their absence draws you to a dark cave , full of pain drenching your soul. It takes a lot to make your heart understand that those who were your whole world have betrayed you. But sometimes it’s okay to let go.

When a wounded heart starts remembering those flashed of pain, which has built a “rigid yet broken” you, it wishes to scribble down each and every pain on the pages of that old diary, which you had purchased to write beautiful moments of life, years ago. Heart cries silently and feels the urge to mention each and every pain it went through, but after a few lines it surrenders. Because, sometimes it’s okay to let go.

I am still afraid of darkness

Remember the blunder that I created when you genuinely asked me for a night out and it took at least more than three hours for you to convince me that you asked me that thing casually, not otherwise.

“I am not that type of girl; do you think I really am?”I repeated this phrase infinite times.

And I am sure you were regretting asking this casual question from the all-time-confused and ‘a lot to handle kind of girl’.

You somehow made my complicated mind understand that going out didn’t mean that we would do something inappropriate; it’s just that you wanted a few amatory moments with me, beneath the silver moon.

You expressed it so calmly and beautifully, remember I would say that you are a magician and you would smile gently, here’s the reason for my almost every-day statement. The way you would stay calm to make me understand whatever you wished to communicated, even after my obstinate behavior against all your valid and thoughtful points.

That’s not the only basis; there were plenty of reasons for calling you a “magician”, may be my words would fall short to express the grounds, as your presence in my life, itself was a “Magic”.

Yeah so finally I was convinced for the moonlight moments and you were happy, we settled up all the plans, as I agreed to stay out with fou, beneath the silver moon, until 11 pm SHARP…

Like always you planned everything so smartly, the pickup, the drop, the place and the timings. We decided to meet up at 7 pm on Sunday evening and the place was still a surprise for me.

Oh..!! Now I was nervous, what to wear, how to react, the major point for being nervous was “finding an excuse for staying out of home, ahem-ahem a reasonable and acceptable excuse.” You helped me in that as well. I finally managed to dominate the nervousness with a cheesy face.

I could sense the soul-stirring experience when you veiled my eyes with a satin ribbon and whispered “I waited so long for this fragile second”.

I trembled … trembled… and trembled. You were holding me, you ‘the only desire of my heart’.

“When can I remove this?” I asked hesitantly.

“Once we reach beneath the moonlight” you answered.

“But I am afraid of darkness” I said in a slow panicking tone.

“I am here with you” you whispered again.

I held your hands and spoke three silent words, “I trust you”.

I knew that you heard my silence.

Throughout the ride, we kept on talking, holding each other; the cool breeze was tempting us to stay closer and closer. I wished that journey to last forever. I knew I could walk a lifetime with you with closed eyes and holding your hands.

This wonderful feeling landed us to the place, you chose for this wonderful “Half-night out”.

You held me in your arms and removed the satin ribbon gently, I opened my eyes and looked around, it was beautiful, we were beneath the open wide sky, somewhere among the hills, in the valley, that had turned completely dark and the moon was playing hide n seek.

I turned up and looked at you, you were looking at me with passion and affection, I came closer to you and you did the same. We held each other, the amalgamation of our breaths was tantalizing. We held our breaths for a moment until our lips immingled. It lasted for so long; we experienced the intensity of emotions and blended into each other’s hug.

The few raindrops approached us, the drizzle was on, I opened my eyes to check-out what was happening and yours were still closed.

I looked around, the scene had changed completely, the valley was darker than anything and the moon had disappeared, I shivered inside and sighed with fear.

My gentle sigh was enough to bring you back from your heavenly fantasies and you drew me closer in your hug.

“What happened love?” You were worried.

“I am afraid of darkness…I’m just” I was still shivering.

“Shhhh…baby..Don’t be afraid, I am here” you hugged me tightly.

I put my face on your chest and pushed myself towards you. You caressed me, your every tender touch started healing me and the fear began to disappear. Then you took out your lighter out of your pocket and lit it up right before my eyes. I was relaxed to see the beam of light and we looked into one another’s eyes.

Then you said the most beautiful lines ever, “sweetheart, whatever the situation comes, I am here with you, I won’t teach you to fight with darkness, I will rather stand by you forever to fight with the dense darkness, and I will never let the darkness touch you.”

I was soothed and secured, happiness cuddled me in that very moment and so did you.

We embraced….

And now, sometimes when I sit back near my window and look at the street in the darker nights, I think to myself whether you really happened in my life ever or it was merely a dream.

The thought emerges, troubles me until the fatigue takes over my body and I fall asleep.

But baby..!! I am still afraid of darkness.

Now what next?

What is the point of being in love, when you are you and I am me, there is no concept of us, I remember the instant, when for the very first time you said something against me, it frightened me, tore me deep down, I was shocked and stunned, couldn’t even express the way I felt, I shivered inside, but I kept quite because I thought speaking on my behalf would be against the feeling of love, because in love, two people thinks about “us” speak about “us” and dream about “us” there remains no existence of the thing called “I”.

Like others me too had a delusion that our love is different and we are into each other, no ego, nothing else. But it didn’t take so long to break that false impression.

We too started the discussions, the discussions that turned out to be quarrels and painful fights. The initial days when I preferred to keep quiet and expected you to listen to my silence, vanished soon; I had to join the argument and then everything was a mess, you were you and I was me, the concept of “us” was no longer alive.

Because I am no one to decide, may that be the reason that I failed to separate myself and to build the existence of “me”, though I tried but I failed. Because I am no one to tell you that I miss you because you still think that I don’t love you. Because I am no one to express my love because you have a doubt that I don’t possess any love for you.

Baby, what if I am afraid of losing you, what if I can’t walk a single step without you, what if I miss you like anything and what if I just want to be with you like we used to be “us”. What if the lonesomeness kills me, what if I am nothing without you?

But yeah one thing is surely there, you are you and I am me. I don’t know how do you feel but I can sense that “we are all alone”

We started. We loved. We dreamt. We joined our destinies. We promised. We broke them. We separated.

Now what next? Tell me…

Answer me…

May be you will never know, the way my heart bleeds, when I see myself as a cruel heartless person through your eyes. May be you will never know that the day I fell in love with you, I forgot to see myself through my eyes. Will you ever wish to know?

Answer me…

The way my each nerve loves you, doesn’t reach to your heart and each drop of my blood, filled with love for you, is not enough to make you believe that how much I love you, then what is the right way of loving?

Answer me…

When you hurt me with your pointy sharp words, when you blame me unnecessarily, you point out my feelings; you raise doubts for my each beautiful feeling for you. Do I not have the right to feel sad and be silent for a while?

Answer me…

You have always ended up each quarrel making me realize that I have made a mistake, I admitted each time, I silently sat back and waited for you to see the pain behind my eyelashes, but the wait seemed eternal, I am still looking at you with all my hope, will you ever turn back to read my eyes?

Answer me…

Answer me, can you answer any of my questions, do you have any clue the way I am dying inside every little second and may be you will never know that the person you think you are in love with, too has a heart, which may get hurt and injured, will you?

Answer me…

It’s okay to cry

I was upset, sitting alone; I didn’t really know what to do and how to get rid of the bug that was eating my head since morning. I was quiet, looking around with oddly arid eyes. I was in pain, but I couldn’t express it because of the surety that no one would care, this is what life had taught me throughout the years that when you are in pain, people laugh or stay neutral and a few of them express fake concern and soon they walk away.

I was too obtuse to grasp the tough lessons of life, so I got punished by the universal teacher several times. And imprints of those punishments got stamped on my memories, in form of bitter yet true experiences. I learnt from the lessons that if you want to survive without getting wounded, you have to wear a mask and never show your soft side to anyone.

And I succeeded in applying this lesson in my life, but it was tough, I had to struggle every time and this is what I was doing that day, sitting alone at the corner of basket ball court.

I would have seated there for few more minutes to hold the pain and hide it behind the social smile like other days, but guess life had a new chapter to begin and that’s why you joined in to break the routine or may be to guide me in parting the mask from my soft, mild existence.

“Why so sad?” you began to speak by sitting beside me.

“Who’s sad?” I pretended to answer you, but questioned instead.

“I know we are new to each other and you may be a kind of person who doesn’t want to share things or pretends to be strong, but hey just wanna say that sometimes it’s okay to be soft and its okay to cry.” You stunned me with your soft and straight words.

I couldn’t say anything, how penetrating your eyes were; you astonished me with your straight reach to my heart. But in that very second, you taught me the biggest lesson which missed in life’s classes, I must be sleeping that time..lol

My eyeballs started pouring out the salty rain and I cried in front of you, forgot that we were just friends, who met a few days ago, not much familiar to each other, you consoled me. The shield that I built and maintained for years seemed never existed for you.

That very moment brought us closer, we started sharing a special place in each other’s life, we were happy, getting closer and closer each new day.

But things changed with time, aha! change, the only thing which I always fail to handle. You walked away, you didn’t mention any reason for going & I couldn’t even ask for it.

Your presence dissolved in the air like a particle of vapor, as if you never existed. Your absence started killing me virtually; I was dying inside because in those years of togetherness I had completely forgotten to live without you.

I was feeling nerveless, dying to hold you in my arms, helpless and too frail to shatter into pieces. And those were the lonesome nights when I cried, cried like hell and survived.

Because I remembered the lesson you taught me that sometimes it’s okay to cry!

I thanked you for unfolding this secret of life to me, I still thank you and will always do coz your this phrase is keeping me alive.